Physics and phathers

Almost 24 years ago, I became a father for the first time.  About 2 years after that, I became a father for the first time again.  I say that because every child is different and being a father to one is completely different that being a father to the other.  In honor of Father's Day, I'd like to share some things that I've learned along the way.

1.  Babies do not respect the laws of physics.  A physicist will tell you that "Matter cannot be created or destroyed."  Babies laugh at the idea.  You can carefully measure 4 ounces of baby formula into a bottle and a baby can turn it into 7 pounds of poop, if you're lucky.  If you're unlucky, and you will be, the baby also has the ability to turn 4 ounces of formula into a quart of hot steaming "spit up".  As a well prepared father, you'll have a spit up rag carefully placed on your shoulder to serve as a target area for the spit up.  Your baby will be a lousy shot and in fact all that the spit up rag will accomplish is keeping your shoulder area clean.  The rest of you will look and smell like a cross between the grossest thing that you can think of and something far far worse.

2.  Toddlers do not respect the laws of physics.  A physicist will tell you that "A body at rest tends to stay at rest and a body in motion tends to stay in motion."  A toddler, given his new found ability to toddle, will lie on the floor in seeming compliance with the first part of the law only to jump up without cause or provocation.  Once upright, the toddler will examine his surroundings to determine the best object to crash into.  Preferred destinations include tables, dogs, Ming vases and fathers' groins.  In defiance with the second law of motion, the toddler will come to a complete stop and solidly land on its diaper.   Said diaper is filled with a toxic chemical which could have easily changed the outcome of World War I if it had been weaponized.

3.  Small children do not respect the laws of physics.  A physicist will tell you that "For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction."  When an adult touches something, there is usually no reaction.  When a child touches something, it falls over and shatters into a million shards of glass.  This occurs even if said object did not originally consist of glass.  The child will look at you with big innocent looking eyes and will say the only thing that will help.  "Sorry."  As an adult, we use "sorry" to express regret and the idea that our actions were hurtful and hopefully won't be repeated.  A child uses "sorry" to express his desire to avoid punishment all the while surveying the room for the next item to react with.

4.  Teenagers do not respect the laws of physics.  A physicist will tell you that "Force equals mass times acceleration."  Teenagers, once behind the steering wheel of a motor vehicle, will attempt to test this law.  They will fail this test but not for lack of trying.  Most motor vehicles primarily consist of a substance commonly known as "steel".  In its solid form, steel is known for its propensity to resist bending and breaking.  Typically, a large amount of force is required to transform it from one shape into another.  A teenage driver will challenge this notion by trying to combine two vehicles into one.   We refer to this scenario as a "crash".  A teenager will say that they "barely touched" (this is also the excuse given for teenage pregnancy) and that some mysterious force, possibly dark matter, must be the explanation for the resultant $7000 worth of damage.

5.  Fathers do not respect the laws of physics.  A physicist will tell you that "E = mc2".  In layman's terms, this means that the energy of a system is equal to the mass of the object times the speed of light squared.  In case you're wondering, squaring a number has nothing to do with carpenter's squares, square dancing or the children's game Four Square.  At any rate, the speed of light squared is an incredibly huge number (34,596,000,000).  To determine my energy, we simply multiply my mass, say 180 pounds (HA!) by the speed of light squared and you get 6,227,280,000,000 somethings.  I have no idea what they are but that would seem to be a lot of energy.  Where have they gone?  With that kind of energy, I should be able to accomplish anything.  As it is, I consider it an accomplishment to put the foot rest up on my recliner.

It also follows that as I get more massive, (that sounds a lot better than "fatter") I should have more energy.  I assure you, this is not the case.  In fact, I should have approximately 6 times the energy of a toddler when in reality, I can get tired just by watching one.

6.  It is said that being a father is the greatest job in the world.  The people that say that have never heard of astronauts.  Being a father isn't a job, it's a privilege, one that I wouldn't trade for anything.