In a worldwide exclusive, an insider with the Barak Obama campaign has confided to the Dairy Report that for the last 8 years, Hillary Clinton has been sleeping with a pillow. Even more startling, the insider states that the pillow is not hypoallergenic and may even contain chicken feathers. Phone calls to the Clinton campaign were not immediately returned.
This has got to be the most boring election cycle ever. You would think that with a black man and a white woman as the two leading candidates of the Democratic party that something interesting would happen. You would be wrong. So far, the most heated topic has been Iraq. This comes as no surprise to anyone. What is surprising is how dull the candidates are making the issue. To recap their positions:
Obama: (to Clinton). You should admit that your vote to authorize the Iraq war was a mistake.
Clinton: No.
Obama: OK.
Meanwhile, John Edwards lurks quietly in the background and ponders his hair.
Who would have thought that the Republicans would be more entertaining than the Democrats? No one, that's who. These people won't be disappointed either. Rudy Giuliani's platform up to this point has been: "Vote for me. I was mayor of New York City in 2001." This does not exactly endear him to his red state Republican base. I understand that his next media blitz will involve him singing "I'm a Yankee Doodle Dandy." I'm sure that the folks in Atlanta are giddy with anticipation.
Mitt Romney is another candidate that could dull the pants off of Pat Paulsen were he still alive. His most intriguing attribute to date is his religion. He wants to believe that the Republican base will overlook the fact that he's a Mormon. I'm curious Mitt, do you even know any other Republicans? I'm also curious about the name Mitt. About all that you can say about it is that it beats Willard.
Hopefully, things will improve in the near future. The prospect of another year of these candidates is extremely depressing. Who would have thought that we'd miss the Swift Boat Veterans?
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
Monday, October 29, 2007
Let's just be friends.
Dear Cadillac Division - General Motors;
I regret to inform you that the answer to your latest inquiry is negative. When I turn my car on, it does not return the favor. This is not entirely its fault. It is missing most of the features associated with arousal. It does not have a good sense of humor. It does not have a killer body. It does not have a nice smile. It may be a good listener but since it never responds to my questions it's hard to tell if it is really listening or just pretending to.
On the positive side, it does not smoke and while I appreciate this very much, it is not enough to really excite me. I also greatly fear that when my Explorer becomes a teenager in a few years, it too will start to smoke. All of the cool cars are doing it.
Yours very insincerely,
John Delorean.
To assist other would-be marketers that believe that their products should turn people on, here is a list of additional household items that do not fill the bill:
I regret to inform you that the answer to your latest inquiry is negative. When I turn my car on, it does not return the favor. This is not entirely its fault. It is missing most of the features associated with arousal. It does not have a good sense of humor. It does not have a killer body. It does not have a nice smile. It may be a good listener but since it never responds to my questions it's hard to tell if it is really listening or just pretending to.
On the positive side, it does not smoke and while I appreciate this very much, it is not enough to really excite me. I also greatly fear that when my Explorer becomes a teenager in a few years, it too will start to smoke. All of the cool cars are doing it.
Yours very insincerely,
John Delorean.
To assist other would-be marketers that believe that their products should turn people on, here is a list of additional household items that do not fill the bill:
- My toaster oven. Even though it is extremely hot, it cannot light my fire.
- My computers. Although they have access to an extremely wide variety of pornography, they are nonetheless "not hot".
- My DVR. It pains me to list this one because I truly love it, just not in that way.
Sauerkraut and you.
I get a weekly newsletter from the good folks at the Food Network. It has a lot of useful information that I will never use if I live to be 130. It also includes a trivia question at the top and an answer at the bottom. Today's is about sauerkraut. Someone wants to know if you should drain and rinse your sauerkraut before you eat it. My personal opinion is you should drain it and rinse it and then throw the entire contents of the can away. Rinsing should dramatically decrease the stench.
The good folks at the Food Network believe that whether or not you rinse it depends on if you bought it or made it yourself. People actually make their own sauerkraut? Isn't this like making your own hotdogs? Or your own Cap'n Crunch with Crunchberries? Who would do this? Apparently a lot of people would because there are also USDA regulations about the making of the killer cabbage.
Just say no people. Just say no.
The good folks at the Food Network believe that whether or not you rinse it depends on if you bought it or made it yourself. People actually make their own sauerkraut? Isn't this like making your own hotdogs? Or your own Cap'n Crunch with Crunchberries? Who would do this? Apparently a lot of people would because there are also USDA regulations about the making of the killer cabbage.
Just say no people. Just say no.
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
I hope Ozzy doesn't mind
Since Ozzy already claimed Diary of a madman, I thought I'd go with Dairy. Plus, I like milk. I'm not really mad. At least not about most things. I try to keep my outrage bottled up inside so that it can explode at the most inopportune times. If I had a shrink, he'd probably discourage that. But since I don't have one, I feel free to ignore his non-existent advice. Who does he think he is anyway?
One thing that I believe will be a recurring theme of this blog is stupid commercials. The reason for this is obvious enough. When you're critiquing television, you never have to worry about writer's block. Just turn on the TV and someone will say something stupid. Instant source material.
For instance, if you watch golf on TV you've no doubt seen the Tiger Woods/OnStar commercial where he has locked his keys out of his Buick and is threatening to break in with his 9 iron. He's talking to an OnStar operator who tells him (Tiger) that she (the operator) can unlock the door for him (the Tiger). After she unlocks the door, Tiger giggles with glee like a school-girl that has just had her Buick unlocked.
Several things strike me as odd about this situation. Those of us that know Tiger well, (and by "well", I mean "have seen him on TV") know that he drives a Porsche and not a Buick. He also drives a yacht named "Privacy" which is ironic considering that we all know what it looks like. I guess "Privacy" makes a better name than "Conspicuous Consumption".
When the operator tells Tiger that she can unlock the door, Tiger replies incredulously, "OnStar can do that?" Tiger, Tiger, Tiger. If you didn't think that OnStar could unlock your door, why did you CALL them? Did you just have a few extra rollover minutes? Were you feeling lonely? Maybe you were just tired of all of your "Privacy".
And if for some strange reason OnStar can't unlock your door, go ahead and use your 9 iron. I've seen your boat. I think you can afford it. It's not like it's a Porsche.
One thing that I believe will be a recurring theme of this blog is stupid commercials. The reason for this is obvious enough. When you're critiquing television, you never have to worry about writer's block. Just turn on the TV and someone will say something stupid. Instant source material.
For instance, if you watch golf on TV you've no doubt seen the Tiger Woods/OnStar commercial where he has locked his keys out of his Buick and is threatening to break in with his 9 iron. He's talking to an OnStar operator who tells him (Tiger) that she (the operator) can unlock the door for him (the Tiger). After she unlocks the door, Tiger giggles with glee like a school-girl that has just had her Buick unlocked.
Several things strike me as odd about this situation. Those of us that know Tiger well, (and by "well", I mean "have seen him on TV") know that he drives a Porsche and not a Buick. He also drives a yacht named "Privacy" which is ironic considering that we all know what it looks like. I guess "Privacy" makes a better name than "Conspicuous Consumption".
When the operator tells Tiger that she can unlock the door, Tiger replies incredulously, "OnStar can do that?" Tiger, Tiger, Tiger. If you didn't think that OnStar could unlock your door, why did you CALL them? Did you just have a few extra rollover minutes? Were you feeling lonely? Maybe you were just tired of all of your "Privacy".
And if for some strange reason OnStar can't unlock your door, go ahead and use your 9 iron. I've seen your boat. I think you can afford it. It's not like it's a Porsche.
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