- My rapper name is going to be Master Slushy. I'm not tough enough to have solid ice.
- Jim Morrison is Mr. Mojo Risin. I'm Universal Elm Sky.
- Today is the first day of the rest of your life unless you're dead.
- If it's better to give than to receive, aren't the givers putting the givees at a disadvantage?
- What kind of Christmas were Victorians nostalgic about?
- You'd be cranky too if your name was Ebenezer.
- I'm not 44, I'm 2 score and 4.
- If an angel gets it's wings whenever a bell rings, how do demons get their wings? Whatever it is, we should stop doing it.
- How did angels get their wings before the bronze age?
- The Nutcracker is a terrible name for a ballet unless it's being performed on America's Funniest Home Videos.
- Sleeting sounds a lot more fun than it really is.
Sunday, December 9, 2007
Random thoughts part π
Thursday, November 15, 2007
Random thoughts: Part II
- Do Venetian castles have dry land around them to keep out invaders?
- Nobody’s school color is brown.
- Cats will eventually eat you if slip and die in the bathtub. That’s why I’m not a cat person. That and the fact that I don’t have long whiskers and a tail.
- Why don’t we use “extraordinary” to describe something that is really really plain?
- Chicken soup wasn’t good for the chicken. That’s why there aren’t any “Chicken Soup for the Chicken’s Soul” books.
- None of my little piggies have ever had roast beef.
- Does red eye reduction work on albinos?
- Nigerians are too trusting.
- If it weren’t for games, no one would own a Palm Pilot.
- Frankenstein’s monster wouldn’t have been as scary if the mad scientist had been named Dr. Jason McFluffy.
Let us bow our heads.
Thanksgiving is next Thursday. It’s the day we set aside to remember that the white man couldn’t grow food on his own in the New World. In honor of this, I’ve come up with a list of things that white men can’t (or shouldn’t) do.
- Jump. Obviously I didn’t come up with this one on my own.
- Sing in a gospel choir. Forrest Gump tried it and you probably shouldn’t try to imitate him.
- Say “biatch”. Actually, I don’t know of anyone that can pull this off without sounding like a complete idiot.
- Remove their shirts in May. The glare off that big white belly is blinding.
- Rap. I know that Eminem is white but he’s also from Detroit. Detroit is the only exception.
- Dance in public. As they said on Scrubs, it’s only OK if you’re gay.
- Wear a bandana. A lot of bikers try it and they all look stupid. Get a hat or wear a helmet.
Thursday, November 8, 2007
Lessons learned from watching Star Trek
The good news is that there will be amazing and absolutely scientifically impossible technologies available to you. The bad news is that these amazing technologies have about a 25% failure rate and when they fail, they fail catestrophically. The transporter will either magically transport you to another world or it will create an evil version of you hell-bent on your destruction. The lesson to be learned is that technology can make the most mundane activities into an adventure. Whether it be traveling to work or creating a Word document, technology will always have its dark side. Anyone that bought Microsoft Bob knows what I’m talking about.
Aliens are the Yin/Yang of the universe. By that, I mean that there are only 2 kinds of aliens; those that want to be your best friends and those that are hell-bent on your destruction. There are no in-between aliens that couldn’t care less about you. That means that the lessons that we’ve learned on Earth will not help us much when dealing with aliens because let’s face it, at least 99.999% of the earth’s population are entirely disinterested in your daily activities. Aliens on the other hand will view everything that you do as either an opportunity to get closer to you or an opportunity to vaporize you. That is, if you’re lucky. We all know about aliens’ preference for probing.
There’s an old joke that goes, “If a person that speaks two languages is called bilingual, what is someone that only speaks one called? An American.” As it should so happen, in the future it will be completely unecessary to learn another language because everyone will speak English. Even if it’s a race of creatures that you’ve never met, they’ll speak the Queen’s English as if they graduated from Oxford. If they don’t, that’s a pretty good sign that they’ve got a secret supply of probes nearby.
Diversity apparently isn't a very good ideas as it didn't make it into the 23rd century. Spock was the only alien on the Enterprise. Of course he was also Kirk’s best friend so he was one of the good aliens.
Light bulbs will be at a premium in the future. Whenever one of the hell-bent aliens wants to destroy the ship, the captain orders “Red Alert” and all of the red light bulbs light up. But whenever the aliens just make menacing noises, the captain will order a “Yellow Alert” and there are no yellow lights. Either the yellow bulb making technology will have been lost or people of the future will be very self-conscious about not appearing jaundiced.
I use a computer everyday. I do not want it to talk to me. It can play my MP3’s but that’s it. The last thing that I need is to get into an argument with some Microsoft creation about what font I should be using.
Aliens are the Yin/Yang of the universe. By that, I mean that there are only 2 kinds of aliens; those that want to be your best friends and those that are hell-bent on your destruction. There are no in-between aliens that couldn’t care less about you. That means that the lessons that we’ve learned on Earth will not help us much when dealing with aliens because let’s face it, at least 99.999% of the earth’s population are entirely disinterested in your daily activities. Aliens on the other hand will view everything that you do as either an opportunity to get closer to you or an opportunity to vaporize you. That is, if you’re lucky. We all know about aliens’ preference for probing.
There’s an old joke that goes, “If a person that speaks two languages is called bilingual, what is someone that only speaks one called? An American.” As it should so happen, in the future it will be completely unecessary to learn another language because everyone will speak English. Even if it’s a race of creatures that you’ve never met, they’ll speak the Queen’s English as if they graduated from Oxford. If they don’t, that’s a pretty good sign that they’ve got a secret supply of probes nearby.
Diversity apparently isn't a very good ideas as it didn't make it into the 23rd century. Spock was the only alien on the Enterprise. Of course he was also Kirk’s best friend so he was one of the good aliens.
Light bulbs will be at a premium in the future. Whenever one of the hell-bent aliens wants to destroy the ship, the captain orders “Red Alert” and all of the red light bulbs light up. But whenever the aliens just make menacing noises, the captain will order a “Yellow Alert” and there are no yellow lights. Either the yellow bulb making technology will have been lost or people of the future will be very self-conscious about not appearing jaundiced.
I use a computer everyday. I do not want it to talk to me. It can play my MP3’s but that’s it. The last thing that I need is to get into an argument with some Microsoft creation about what font I should be using.
Friday, November 2, 2007
Random thoughts: Part I
Why aren't Paris and Britney on a box of Pop-Tarts?
Giving 110% puts you in debt. Debt is bad.
It is NOT easier to beg for forgiveness than to ask for permission. Begging for forgiveness means that you did something stupid.
I wonder about many things. Bras are not even in the top 10.
Insurance should be called "Giving you your money back minus a fee."
Thanksgiving should be called Givingthanks.
It's ironic that Martin Luther King was named after a racist.
Sometimes I don't have anything good to say and say it anyway. That's how people learn.
Brett Favre spells his name wrong.
You can go 8 weeks without eating, 1 week without drinking but usually only a few minutes without having a bad idea.
Were all Indian kids born in the desert named "____________ by cactus"?
I'm going to start piloting my car. It sounds cooler than driving.
The Declaration of Independence could have stopped at the title and been just as effective. Easier to memorize too.
Giving 110% puts you in debt. Debt is bad.
It is NOT easier to beg for forgiveness than to ask for permission. Begging for forgiveness means that you did something stupid.
I wonder about many things. Bras are not even in the top 10.
Insurance should be called "Giving you your money back minus a fee."
Thanksgiving should be called Givingthanks.
It's ironic that Martin Luther King was named after a racist.
Sometimes I don't have anything good to say and say it anyway. That's how people learn.
Brett Favre spells his name wrong.
You can go 8 weeks without eating, 1 week without drinking but usually only a few minutes without having a bad idea.
Were all Indian kids born in the desert named "____________ by cactus"?
I'm going to start piloting my car. It sounds cooler than driving.
The Declaration of Independence could have stopped at the title and been just as effective. Easier to memorize too.
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
BREAKING NEWS!! MUST CREDIT DAIRY..
In a worldwide exclusive, an insider with the Barak Obama campaign has confided to the Dairy Report that for the last 8 years, Hillary Clinton has been sleeping with a pillow. Even more startling, the insider states that the pillow is not hypoallergenic and may even contain chicken feathers. Phone calls to the Clinton campaign were not immediately returned.
This has got to be the most boring election cycle ever. You would think that with a black man and a white woman as the two leading candidates of the Democratic party that something interesting would happen. You would be wrong. So far, the most heated topic has been Iraq. This comes as no surprise to anyone. What is surprising is how dull the candidates are making the issue. To recap their positions:
Obama: (to Clinton). You should admit that your vote to authorize the Iraq war was a mistake.
Clinton: No.
Obama: OK.
Meanwhile, John Edwards lurks quietly in the background and ponders his hair.
Who would have thought that the Republicans would be more entertaining than the Democrats? No one, that's who. These people won't be disappointed either. Rudy Giuliani's platform up to this point has been: "Vote for me. I was mayor of New York City in 2001." This does not exactly endear him to his red state Republican base. I understand that his next media blitz will involve him singing "I'm a Yankee Doodle Dandy." I'm sure that the folks in Atlanta are giddy with anticipation.
Mitt Romney is another candidate that could dull the pants off of Pat Paulsen were he still alive. His most intriguing attribute to date is his religion. He wants to believe that the Republican base will overlook the fact that he's a Mormon. I'm curious Mitt, do you even know any other Republicans? I'm also curious about the name Mitt. About all that you can say about it is that it beats Willard.
Hopefully, things will improve in the near future. The prospect of another year of these candidates is extremely depressing. Who would have thought that we'd miss the Swift Boat Veterans?
This has got to be the most boring election cycle ever. You would think that with a black man and a white woman as the two leading candidates of the Democratic party that something interesting would happen. You would be wrong. So far, the most heated topic has been Iraq. This comes as no surprise to anyone. What is surprising is how dull the candidates are making the issue. To recap their positions:
Obama: (to Clinton). You should admit that your vote to authorize the Iraq war was a mistake.
Clinton: No.
Obama: OK.
Meanwhile, John Edwards lurks quietly in the background and ponders his hair.
Who would have thought that the Republicans would be more entertaining than the Democrats? No one, that's who. These people won't be disappointed either. Rudy Giuliani's platform up to this point has been: "Vote for me. I was mayor of New York City in 2001." This does not exactly endear him to his red state Republican base. I understand that his next media blitz will involve him singing "I'm a Yankee Doodle Dandy." I'm sure that the folks in Atlanta are giddy with anticipation.
Mitt Romney is another candidate that could dull the pants off of Pat Paulsen were he still alive. His most intriguing attribute to date is his religion. He wants to believe that the Republican base will overlook the fact that he's a Mormon. I'm curious Mitt, do you even know any other Republicans? I'm also curious about the name Mitt. About all that you can say about it is that it beats Willard.
Hopefully, things will improve in the near future. The prospect of another year of these candidates is extremely depressing. Who would have thought that we'd miss the Swift Boat Veterans?
Monday, October 29, 2007
Let's just be friends.
Dear Cadillac Division - General Motors;
I regret to inform you that the answer to your latest inquiry is negative. When I turn my car on, it does not return the favor. This is not entirely its fault. It is missing most of the features associated with arousal. It does not have a good sense of humor. It does not have a killer body. It does not have a nice smile. It may be a good listener but since it never responds to my questions it's hard to tell if it is really listening or just pretending to.
On the positive side, it does not smoke and while I appreciate this very much, it is not enough to really excite me. I also greatly fear that when my Explorer becomes a teenager in a few years, it too will start to smoke. All of the cool cars are doing it.
Yours very insincerely,
John Delorean.
To assist other would-be marketers that believe that their products should turn people on, here is a list of additional household items that do not fill the bill:
I regret to inform you that the answer to your latest inquiry is negative. When I turn my car on, it does not return the favor. This is not entirely its fault. It is missing most of the features associated with arousal. It does not have a good sense of humor. It does not have a killer body. It does not have a nice smile. It may be a good listener but since it never responds to my questions it's hard to tell if it is really listening or just pretending to.
On the positive side, it does not smoke and while I appreciate this very much, it is not enough to really excite me. I also greatly fear that when my Explorer becomes a teenager in a few years, it too will start to smoke. All of the cool cars are doing it.
Yours very insincerely,
John Delorean.
To assist other would-be marketers that believe that their products should turn people on, here is a list of additional household items that do not fill the bill:
- My toaster oven. Even though it is extremely hot, it cannot light my fire.
- My computers. Although they have access to an extremely wide variety of pornography, they are nonetheless "not hot".
- My DVR. It pains me to list this one because I truly love it, just not in that way.
Sauerkraut and you.
I get a weekly newsletter from the good folks at the Food Network. It has a lot of useful information that I will never use if I live to be 130. It also includes a trivia question at the top and an answer at the bottom. Today's is about sauerkraut. Someone wants to know if you should drain and rinse your sauerkraut before you eat it. My personal opinion is you should drain it and rinse it and then throw the entire contents of the can away. Rinsing should dramatically decrease the stench.
The good folks at the Food Network believe that whether or not you rinse it depends on if you bought it or made it yourself. People actually make their own sauerkraut? Isn't this like making your own hotdogs? Or your own Cap'n Crunch with Crunchberries? Who would do this? Apparently a lot of people would because there are also USDA regulations about the making of the killer cabbage.
Just say no people. Just say no.
The good folks at the Food Network believe that whether or not you rinse it depends on if you bought it or made it yourself. People actually make their own sauerkraut? Isn't this like making your own hotdogs? Or your own Cap'n Crunch with Crunchberries? Who would do this? Apparently a lot of people would because there are also USDA regulations about the making of the killer cabbage.
Just say no people. Just say no.
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
I hope Ozzy doesn't mind
Since Ozzy already claimed Diary of a madman, I thought I'd go with Dairy. Plus, I like milk. I'm not really mad. At least not about most things. I try to keep my outrage bottled up inside so that it can explode at the most inopportune times. If I had a shrink, he'd probably discourage that. But since I don't have one, I feel free to ignore his non-existent advice. Who does he think he is anyway?
One thing that I believe will be a recurring theme of this blog is stupid commercials. The reason for this is obvious enough. When you're critiquing television, you never have to worry about writer's block. Just turn on the TV and someone will say something stupid. Instant source material.
For instance, if you watch golf on TV you've no doubt seen the Tiger Woods/OnStar commercial where he has locked his keys out of his Buick and is threatening to break in with his 9 iron. He's talking to an OnStar operator who tells him (Tiger) that she (the operator) can unlock the door for him (the Tiger). After she unlocks the door, Tiger giggles with glee like a school-girl that has just had her Buick unlocked.
Several things strike me as odd about this situation. Those of us that know Tiger well, (and by "well", I mean "have seen him on TV") know that he drives a Porsche and not a Buick. He also drives a yacht named "Privacy" which is ironic considering that we all know what it looks like. I guess "Privacy" makes a better name than "Conspicuous Consumption".
When the operator tells Tiger that she can unlock the door, Tiger replies incredulously, "OnStar can do that?" Tiger, Tiger, Tiger. If you didn't think that OnStar could unlock your door, why did you CALL them? Did you just have a few extra rollover minutes? Were you feeling lonely? Maybe you were just tired of all of your "Privacy".
And if for some strange reason OnStar can't unlock your door, go ahead and use your 9 iron. I've seen your boat. I think you can afford it. It's not like it's a Porsche.
One thing that I believe will be a recurring theme of this blog is stupid commercials. The reason for this is obvious enough. When you're critiquing television, you never have to worry about writer's block. Just turn on the TV and someone will say something stupid. Instant source material.
For instance, if you watch golf on TV you've no doubt seen the Tiger Woods/OnStar commercial where he has locked his keys out of his Buick and is threatening to break in with his 9 iron. He's talking to an OnStar operator who tells him (Tiger) that she (the operator) can unlock the door for him (the Tiger). After she unlocks the door, Tiger giggles with glee like a school-girl that has just had her Buick unlocked.
Several things strike me as odd about this situation. Those of us that know Tiger well, (and by "well", I mean "have seen him on TV") know that he drives a Porsche and not a Buick. He also drives a yacht named "Privacy" which is ironic considering that we all know what it looks like. I guess "Privacy" makes a better name than "Conspicuous Consumption".
When the operator tells Tiger that she can unlock the door, Tiger replies incredulously, "OnStar can do that?" Tiger, Tiger, Tiger. If you didn't think that OnStar could unlock your door, why did you CALL them? Did you just have a few extra rollover minutes? Were you feeling lonely? Maybe you were just tired of all of your "Privacy".
And if for some strange reason OnStar can't unlock your door, go ahead and use your 9 iron. I've seen your boat. I think you can afford it. It's not like it's a Porsche.
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